Graduation Day
by Nora-lmc
Summary: Finished! Chaper 7 is up! Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship
1. Chapter One

DISCLAIMER**:**  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG__

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY: Carter contemplates his decisions at Abby's graduation party.

Graduation Day

Carter scratches his recently clean-shaven chin as he contemplates ringing the doorbell.  He hears music and laughter on the other side of the door, and he shakes his head at the irony of the situation.  Right now he feels anything but music and laughter in his soul, and deep down he knows the reason he is lacking this happiness is waiting for him on the other side of the door.

Susan has invited him to her house for a graduation party for Neela and Abby.  He knew that it is mostly for Abby; the two women had grown quite close in the past year.  So close that Carter was surprised Susan was still speaking to him when he returned from Africa with Kem.

Kem.

Kem is everything Abby is not.  Confident, open, affectionate and strong.  Kem is not afraid to tell you her feelings.  Kem is not afraid to say, "I love you."  Kem does not take him for granted.  And Kem will not hurt him.  He tells himself this is because she loves him so much, but the longer he remains in Chicago, away from the second life he created for himself in Africa, he realizes the real reason Kem can never hurt him the way Abby did.  It is because he does not love her the way he loved Abby.

Abby.

When he left for Africa the first time he was a mess.  Gamma had died and left him with the one thing he had tried to escape his entire life, the responsibilities of the Carter wealth.  He was running from that, along with the grief her death caused him.  But, if he were to be honest with himself, he was also running from Abby.  He had dreamt of the day they would be together for such a long time, and when it happened, it was everything he had imagined.  Until her brother got sick and she shut down.  She shut down and pushed him away as hard as she could.  He always pushed back, but when his grandmother died, well, he just didn't have the energy or will to push anymore.  He needed Abby to be the strong one, to seek him out in his darkest hour.  But she wasn't able to do that. The scars that had begun to heal were reopened when her brother became sick, and they left her immobilized and unable to give herself to Carter.  So he ran.  He came back briefly, but soon realized that he had not ran far enough, and he left again.  But now he was back for good, standing at Susan's front door, contemplating the twist his life has taken.

He is startled when the door flies open.

"Do you plan on standing there all day or would you like to come in?" Susan smirks.

Carter grins sheepishly.  "Hey Susan."

"Come on in.  There's soda and beer in the fridge."

He walks inside and takes in his surroundings.  Susan has cleared out the living room and several people are dancing.  Neela and Gallant are standing by the punch bowl looking quite chummy.  Chuck and Luka are standing by the fireplace, and Luka is laughing at whatever joke Chuck is telling.  Sam walks up to them and wraps her arm around Luka's waist.  Carter heads towards the kitchen to get a soda, and this is where he spots Abby.  Her back is towards Carter and she is talking to Susan.  She calls to a male bent over the refrigerator, and when he stands up Carter sees that it is Eric.  He looks good, his hair is neatly combed and he is smiling.  He looks healthy.

"Hey Abby, you gonna dance with me or what?"  Pratt walks over to the trio and grabs Abby's hand, leading her into the living room.  Susan excuses herself and Carter walks over to where Eric is standing.

"Hi Eric, how've you been?"

"John," Eric says, holding out his hand, "it's great to see you.  I was wondering if you'd be here."

"Well, Susan's parties have a reputation, and I didn't want to miss watching any of my co-workers' drunken escapades."

Eric laughs and looks out towards the living room with Carter.  Both of their eyes fall upon Abby, and there is an uncomfortable silence. 

Eric clears his throat.  "I was sorry to hear about you and Abby.  You were really good for her, and I know she cared for you a lot."

Carter looks down, suddenly incredibly interested in the pattern on Susan's linoleum.  "Yeah, well, I guess sometimes these things don't work out."

"I just hope it wasn't because of me, and you know, what happened."

Carter looks up and raises an eyebrow, silently asking Eric to elaborate.

"At your grandmother's funeral."

Carter shakes his head.  "No, we had problems way before that.  Is that what Abby told you?"

"No, no.  You know Abby, she hasn't really told me anything as to why you broke up."  Eric pauses, taking a deep breath.  "I am sorry about what happened.  It is probably the worst thing I've ever done.  I'm not going to make excuses and say it wasn't really me, but please know how incredibly ashamed I am that I let myself get to a point where I had so little self-control."

Carter begins to inspect the linoleum again, growing uncomfortable.  "It's okay, I know you were sick."

"It's not okay, and after I realized what I had done, it was a real wake-up call for me.  I've been healthy for 10 months now."

A small smile makes its way across Carter's face as he nods his head.

"Please don't blame Abby for any of it.  I put her in an awful situation; one I don't think anyone would know how to handle.  I just know how much you meant to her, and I hate myself for causing problems between the two of you."

Carter is about to respond when Abby walks over, a concerned expression on her face.

"Hi Carter.  I didn't know you were here."

"Just got here," he replied.

"Everything okay?"  Abby looks at Eric and Carter, trying to gauge the mood of their conversation.  Carter smiles at her reassuredly.

"Everything's fine."

"Yeah, don't worry Abby, we're not going to break into a fist fight or anything.  However, I'm going to leave you two alone and go see if I can get that cute nurse over there to dance with me."

Abby laughs and shakes her head as she watches Eric walk over to Chuny.  Carter's eyes, however, are fixed on Abby.  Ever since he returned from the Congo he has been amazed at the person Abby has become.  She is still the same sarcastic, quick-witted person that he became such good friends with, but there is also something so incredibly different about her.  She has lost her hostility and seems so at peace with herself.  It's as if she finally let go of all her anger.  And the change is wonderful.  She is one the best med students he has ever worked with, and definitely the best at understanding the patients.  She has a glow about her when she works, and he can tell that she is doing what she truly loves.  She has become everything he always knew she could be.  She has changed while still keeping the qualities that made her such an incredible person to begin with.  And he finds himself drawn to her more strongly than he has ever been.

"So what were you two talking about?"  Abby asks.

"Just small talk."  Abby nods her head, obviously not believing him.

"So, Dr. Lockhart, you made it."

A huge smile washes over Abby's face and he can see the pride radiating from her face.  "Yup.  Hard to believe, but I did."

"I always knew you could do it, you just had to believe in yourself."  Carter's eyes lock on Abby's and the mood in the kitchen suddenly becomes intense.  Abby's eyes are fixed on Carter's and he quickly forgets that almost the entire ER is in the next room, that they broke-up almost a year ago, and that he has a pregnant girlfriend in Africa.  He gently touches her forehead, sweeping her bangs away from her face.  The feel of her skin upon his fingertips cause his stomach to do flip-flops.  Abby's eyes are still locked on his, only straying for a moment as she closes them while his fingertips graze her skin.  He leans down and when his mouth is close enough for him to feel her hot breath against his face he says, "I'm proud of who you've become."

And then their eyes close and their lips meet for a brief second.  When they pull apart, their eyes remain locked, just as they had in that trauma room two years previously, when everything was so new and seemed so uncomplicated.  But unlike the time in the trauma room, Carter does not tell her that everything will be okay, because he knows it is not true.  Everything is not okay; he has gotten himself into an impossible situation.  Because as soon as their lips met, he realized that he was still in love with Abby, and as much as he wants to scoop her up in his arms and kiss her with all of the passion he has bottled up inside of him, he knows he cannot.  He has a pregnant girlfriend in Africa.  And he realizes that by running away from his responsibilities in Chicago, he has created a mess that he does not know how to clean up.

"We shouldn't have done that."  

She says it plainly, without emotion, but he can see in her eyes that she is breaking inside, that she feels the same torment he feels.

"I know."

She nods her head and leaves the kitchen.  She leaves him standing there, looking guilty and feeling more lost than he has ever felt before.

  *****************************************************************************

Author's note:  Okay.  So I set out to write an angsty stand-alone, but the Carby in me just can't bring myself to end a story like this.  So there may be more, but I'm not sure.  Either way, please let me know what you think of this chapter/story.  Thanks! 


	2. Chapter Two

DISCLAIMER**:**  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG-13__

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY: Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship

Chapter 2

Abby inspects herself one more time in her bathroom mirror.  She runs a brush through her hair and decides to put on her small diamond stud earrings.  She takes a deep breath and realizes that for the first time in long time, she is satisfied with what she sees.  Today she will officially begin her life as Dr. Lockhart.  It was a long and twisted road full of detours and roadblocks that led her to her destination, but she has finally arrived.  And it feels amazing.

She survived a dysfunctional childhood, alcoholism, the fear-based decision to abort her child, a failed marriage, being kicked-out of med school, almost losing her mother to suicide, a relapse, the discovery that her brother inherited her mother's illness, and the loss of the one man she ever truly loved.

"Jesus," she laughs, "my life is a damn soap opera."

But nothing can destroy her good mood today, not even a trip down memory lane.  Today is her first day as a resident in the ER.  And as she stands in front of the mirror, reflecting on both her physical image as well as the changes inside of her, she remembers the day she decided that she needed to turn her life around.  The decision had been brewing inside of her ever since she ingested over half a bottle of tequila a year and a half ago, but it wasn't until she received his letter that she was able to take the ultimate plunge and go back to med school.

That day had been one of the lowest points in her life.  She was professionally frustrated, and when she read those hurtful, yet honest words written by Carter, she realized her personal life was devoid of happiness as well.  The old Abby would have wallowed in shame and self-pity, but for some reason, that day she decided enough was enough.  After work she stopped by the university and got the necessary forms to re-apply to med school.  She had been filled with a determination that she had never experienced before.  She wanted to prove to Carter, and more importantly, to herself, that she wasn't a failure and that she could overcome her fear of life.

As she grabs her lab coat on the way out the door, she realizes she is holding the proof in her hands.

~

Her first day as a resident proves to be a chaotic one.  The ER is slammed, and, because of a case of food poisoning at a local restaurant, she is already on her third set of scrubs.  She misses the safety net being a medical student provides; any major procedure cannot be preformed without a resident or attending there to back you up.  She also misses the camaraderie she shared with Neela, who chose surgery as her elective.  She looks up at the board and is relieved to see that things appear to be slowing down for the moment.  Pratt walks up to her and notices the exhaustion that is displayed upon her face.

"Hey, most of the patients are waiting on test results, why don't you go get some coffee."

Abby shakes her head wearily.  "I'll be okay."

"Who knows when things will slow down again?  Go.  Besides," Pratt grins, holding out a dollar, "I want some too."

Abby smiles, thankful for the small break.  She breathes in the fresh air as she exits through the ambulance bay and walks around the corner to the closest coffee shop.  The coffee at the Jumbo Mart is usually older than what is in the lounge and is lukewarm at best, so the extra time it takes is worth it.  She orders two large coffees, one to go, and sits down at a table and closes her eyes for a moment, trying to find a reserve of energy she knows must be hidden somewhere within her.

"You know, if you were in a bar, you could get kicked out for that."

Abby abruptly opens her eyes to see Carter standing over her, and gestures for him to sit down.   After the incident at Susan's, the two had successfully avoided each other for a few days, and then Carter had gone to Africa for several weeks.  She thought he was still out of the country.  He sits, and there is an awkward silence.  She suddenly wishes she would have braved the watered down coffee from the Jumbo Mart, or better yet, told Pratt to get his own damn coffee.

"I didn't know you were back."

"Just got back last night.  The time change is a bitch," Carter replies as a waitress brings him his coffee.

"You working?"

"In about an hour.  I just thought I'd get here a little early to readjust myself to things."

"Is Kem in town?"

At the mention of Kem's name Carter immediately looks down at his coffee.  He appears so interested in it that Abby looks down at her own, wondering what could be so fascinating.

"We weren't sure if it would be okay for the baby, but I really wanted him to be born in the states, and the doctor said it would be okay.  So she's here."

Abby nods her head and debates chugging her coffee and risking third degree burns in order to escape the awkwardness of the situation.  Carter must be feeling the same way because he is still watching his coffee as if there is an Academy Award winning movie being shown inside of his mug.  She is about to get up when Cater quietly says,

"I'm sorry."

She's not exactly sure why he is apologizing.  For creating such an uncomfortable situation, for kissing her at the party, for showing up in Chicago with a pregnant girlfriend, for dumping her through a letter, or for running away after he promised he would never leave?  She eyes him for a moment, waiting for him to continue. She notices the creases in his forehead and the dark circles below his eyes, and she begins to become worried.  Because even though it has been a year since they have truly been together, the connection she feels to him is as strong as ever, and they still share their wordless language that allows them to know the other's innermost feelings simply by being in each other's presence.  And what she sees is a very troubled Carter.   

He looks up and sees that she is waiting further explanation.  "At the party."

Ah.  He's apologizing for the kiss.  "It's okay," Abby hurriedly says.  She continues with an obviously rehearsed speech prepared for this inevitable occasion.  "The way things ended, we never really had any closure.  That's all it was.  No big deal."

A look of intense disappointment clouds Carter's face, followed by one of forced relief.  He clears his throat and Abby looks at her watch.  "Shit, Pratt's going to kill me.  I better get back."  She stands up to leave and as she walks away from the table, Carter gently grabs her arm.  She freezes and looks down at his hand touching her skin.

_"I'm sorry."  _

Abby knows he is apologizing for more than kissing her, but the force of the moment is becoming too much for her to handle.  It took her a long time to truly accept that things were over between the two of them.  Even after she received his letter, there was a small part of her that had hoped he would return from Africa and be overwhelmed with the changes he saw in her.  After she met Kem and learned they were having a child together, those hopes were completely lost and she finally began to move on.  So there is a part of her that is angry at him for reentering her life this way, but there is another part of her that still deeply cares about him and wants to help him deal with whatever pain he is experiencing.  And it is quite apparent that there is something in his life that is causing him pain.  But she knows that it is no longer her place to be the person that comforts him, so she simply nods her head in silent reply to his apology and then reluctantly extracts her arm from his grasp.  She quickly exits the coffee shop and curses herself under her breath for letting herself get swept up in this situation again.

  *****************************************************************************

Author's Note:  Well, you all convinced me to continue.  Plus, I didn't want to face the wrath of Taz.  Thanks to everyone for the kind words of encouragement.  I know I've said it before, but its an amazing feeling to know people are taking the time to read something you wrote, and the reviews really do make my day.

Please review! 


	3. Chapter Three

DISCLAIMER**:**  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG-13__

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY: Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship

Chapter Three

Carter rests his hand on the small of Kem's back as he gently leads her into the hospital.  She is protectively holding their son, Alexander, as she shields him from the strong wind that is so famous in Chicago.  He is three weeks old and has a nasty cold.  Carter insisted that their pediatrician see him, despite the fact that both he and Kem are doctors.  Carter had been back to work for two days, but decided to take the day off to make sure Alexander was all right.  He was worried about his son, but also glad to have this time together.  They walk in through the main hospital entrance when Carter realizes that he has left his wallet in his locker.

"I need to stop in the ER for a 'sec, meet you upstairs?"

Kem nods her head and smiles a weary smile.  Alexander has been doing his best to make sure that neither of his parents sleeps more than two hours straight.  "Sure, but don't take to long."

Carter separates from the two and makes his way to the ER.  As he walks down the familiar hospital halls, he remembers the last time he was here, three weeks earlier.  Kem went into labor in the middle of the night, and the two had frantically driven to the hospital at 3:00 A.M.  Five hours later he was holding the miracle that was his son.

His son.  The one thing that makes any sense to him right now.  The one thing that has saved him from feeling helpless and alone in the world.  And, if he were to be honest with himself, the one thing that allows him to push all of his insecurities and self-doubts into a place within himself that is almost unreachable.

They had chosen the name Alexander a few hours after his birth.  Carter knew his parents would be slightly disappointed that he wasn't carrying on the Carter family legacy, but he also knew that his parents were more than slightly disappointed that their first grandchild was born out of wedlock.  When he called his mother he had received an icy congratulations and a promise to come visit soon.  His father had been a bit more jovial, but made the same empty promise as his mother.  He told himself that he shouldn't expect anything else, but it was still difficult to watch all the grandparents in the nursery "ooh" and "ahh" over the rows of babies that lay on the opposite side of the glass window.

Almost everyone from the ER had come to visit.  Susan brought a stuffed elephant, Deb an adorable pair of overalls.  Even Luka stopped up with a colorful baby rattle.  In fact, the only person who hadn't come up to visit was Abby.

"Abby."  Carter says as he walks into the lounge.  She is standing at her locker, putting on her lab coat.

"Hey Carter," she says with a genuine smile, "are you working today?"

"No, I left my wallet here yesterday.  Kem and Alexander are upstairs for a check-up."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I think so. He has a bad cold and is having a little trouble catching his breath, but I think its just because he's stuffed up." Carter shakes his head. "I guess I'm becoming an overprotective parent already."

Abby smiles for a moment before asking, "So how is fatherhood?  You getting any sleep?"

"Barely, although Kem suffers the brunt of it.  I don't exactly have the right equipment to help with the midnight feedings."  Abby smirks at him as he continues.  "Although at 2 in the morning, I can't say I feel all that left out."

"Better not let Kem hear you say that," Abby jokes.

"Yeah, that statement definitely does not leave this room." 

"Deal."

Carter smiles again as he looks at Abby and realizes that this is the first time in over a year that he has felt this comfortable with her. It reminds him of a much simpler time.  A time when they were the best of friends, when it felt like any problem could be overcome as long as they were together, and a time when they shared moments like these on a daily basis.  He misses sharing that easy camaraderie with someone.  He notices Abby shifting uncomfortably, and he realizes that he is staring.

"Uh, I better get to work."

"Yeah, and I better go upstairs."

She turns to leave, but pauses at the door for a moment.  "I'm sorry I didn't come to see the baby.  I didn't know….um.  Well, I wasn't sure if you'd want me there."

Didn't want her there?  If only she knew.  "It's okay, I understand.  But I would like it if you came to meet him sometime."  He looks off to the side before establishing eye contact.  "It would mean a lot to me."

Abby slowly nods her head before exiting the room.  He finds himself watching the door even after she has left.

~  

"So how is the Carter family doing today?"  Dr. George is a wonderful pediatrician.  She is great with babies and has a way of putting parents at ease.

"Well, Kem and I are doing just fine, but little Alexander here is having a little trouble breathing."

"Let me take a look."

Dr. George examines Alexander as Kem and Carter anxiously look on.  Carter is suddenly aware of how fragile and dependent his son is as he watches the doctor, and a wave of fear washes over him.  He holds his breath, silently praying that everything is okay, even though the doctor in him already knows this to be true.  After a moment, Dr. George wraps Alexander up in his blanket and gingerly hands him back to Kem who places a gentle kiss upon his forehead.

"I think it's just a simple cold.  Babies tend to breathe through their noses, so that could be why he is having trouble catching his breath.  I'll have the nurse clean out his nose and he should be just fine.  I just want to review his file to make sure there isn't anything I'm missing."

Carter lets out a sigh of relief and smiles down at his son.  He can tell that Kem shares his relief as her body visibly relaxes.

"I'm sorry to bother you over nothing, we just wanted to make sure," Carter apologizes sheepishly.

Dr. George dismisses his apology with a wave of her hand.  "It happens all the time.  Doctors know every little thing that can go wrong, and first-time parents often let their imaginations run wild."  She studies Alexander's file for a moment longer.  

"It says here that you requested a blood test when he was born.  Is there anything in particular you were looking for?"

Kem shakes her head as she replies, "Not really.  I spent the majority of my pregnancy in the Congo working with AIDS patients.  We were just being extra cautious."

Dr. George nods as she finishes reading.  "Well, it looks like everything tested negative."

"Yeah, I guess we were being a little paranoid."

"No, it's always better to be sure.  And at the very least, you got to find out your baby's blood type is A+.  Always a good thing to know in case of an emergency.  I'll send a nurse in to clean out his nose.  It was good seeing you both."

Dr. George exits the room, oblivious to the fact that all of the color has drained from Carter's face and that Kem has backed up against the wall for support.  For what Dr. George did not know was that Carter and Kem had not known Alexander's blood type.  They had not asked, and the doctor had not shared the information with them.  They had been satisfied to hear that he was healthy.  But now they know.  And they also know that they are both O-.  It is biologically impossible for them to have a child with A+ blood.  One of them is not Alexander's parent, and since Kem carried him for nine months, it is quite clear who will no longer be able to call Alexander their son.

Carter is not the father.

Carter knows this.  He and Kem were often asked to donate blood in the Congo since O- is a universal blood type and is used so frequently.  He looks at Kem with a mixture of hurt, anger and fear.  Tears enter her eyes as she shakes her head in disbelief.  Every bit of doubt he had concerning this relationship comes roaring to the forefront of his mind.  The roar becomes louder and louder until it pulsates through his entire body.  The room suddenly becomes too small for Carter; he can't breathe and everything is becoming hazy.  He frantically grasps for his jacket and opens the door with such force that had anyone been standing on the other side they would be knocked to the ground.  He runs down the hall, desperate to leave the hospital, although clueless as to where he will go.  

He needs to escape.

~

Carter has wandered the streets of Chicago for six hours.  In that time he has experienced a rage that he has never felt before, followed by a period of uncontrollable grief.  A feeling of intense hopelessness, much like what he felt when he left for Africa after his grandmother's death, soon followed.  It was in this state of mind that he makes his decision.

He doesn't care that this is not biologically his child.

He doesn't care that Kem lied to him.

He doesn't care that he lied to himself.

He is going to raise this child.  He is going to love this baby as his own and he and Alexander and Kem are going to be a family.  He is filled with a powerful determination to make this work, to create the family he has so strongly desired since he was a child.  It is with this determination that he approaches their home and walks inside to find Kem nervously waiting for him.

"John-"

He raises his hand, asking for her silence.  She obliges and waits for him to speak.

"Look.  I'm sorry I stormed out like that; it was just a lot to take in.  Although I must say, I'm not completely surprised.  I think there was always a part of me that wondered how you could be so sure he was mine since we got together so soon after you and Peter broke up."

"I'm sorry too.  I think I just wanted him to be yours so bad that I convinced myself it must be true."

Carter walks over to her and holds her hands.  "It doesn't matter.  I love Alexander, and as far as I'm concerned, he is mine.  Nothing has changed.  Tell me nothing has changed."

Kem looks away from him and pulls her hands out of his.  "Everything has changed."

Carter shakes his head as she continues.  "I'm going back to Africa.  Peter deserves to know his son."  Kem's voice begins to break.  "And you deserve to be with someone who you truly love.  With someone who truly loves you back."

Carter shakes his head more violently as the last bits of the world he created for himself crumble away.

"We have two separate lives, and neither one of us is ready to give our life up.  I think we've both been running for a long time. I know I have ever since my father was killed. And we thought that as long as we had each other, we wouldn't have to face those horrible truths that we have been running from.  But I need to think of my son now.  I need to stop running, and so do you."

She walks over to Carter and kisses the tears that are now freely running down his cheeks.

"Please don't hate me," she whispers.

But Carter cannot respond because the roar in his head has returned.  He had been so sure that Kem and Alexander were the answer to everything.  That they would help him forget everything.

The death of his grandmother.

His cold and distant relationship with his parents.

The Carter family legacy that had defined who he was despite his every attempt to deny it.

The loss of his brother.

His drug addiction.

Abby.

Now there is nothing to keep him from those thoughts.  Nothing to keep those memories from weaving in and out of his mind until they have formed a tight web that suffocates any bit of happiness within him.

So for the second time that day he will run.  He will run until beads of sweat rapidly escape through his pores and his chest heaves up and down, desperately searching for air.  He will run until his legs buckle beneath him and he can run no longer, and it will be only then that he will begin to slay the demons that have threatened his existence for such a long time.

  *****************************************************************************

Author's Note:  Hmmmm.  Where to begin?  First, I want to say that I have absolutely no medical training, so if I screwed up the blood type stuff, I apologize.  I got my info from the Internet, so hopefully it is accurate.  Secondly, I got the stuffy nose/breathing through the mouth thing from Witch Hunt (the episode where Abby loses baby May).  I also hope that this was realistic.  Thirdly, I wanted to say that this was a very difficult chapter to write, and I'm guessing it wasn't the most enjoyable to read.  However, it is important to the story, so please stick with me.  There will be a lot more Carby interaction in the next chapter.  (Although don't think that just because Kem is out of the picture that they will be getting together anytime soonJ)  Lastly, thank you so much for everyone who reviewed the first two chapters.  You all are so incredibly encouraging, and I really do value your comments.

Please Review!  


	4. Chapter Four

DISCLAIMER**:**  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG-13__

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY: Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship

Chapter Four

"Carter."

"Carter!"

"CARTER!"

Carter quickly turns his head in the direction of the voice that has abruptly awoken him from his haze.  He is greeted by the sight of an angry looking Dr. Weaver, who is waving a chart violently in the air.

"Do plan on seeing any patients today?  Because Mrs. Melvin has been waiting for a doctor for 3 hours.  I hate to disrupt you from your game of minesweeper, but either pick up some patients or go home!"

Carter grabs the chart from Dr. Weaver and heads toward the exam room.  It's true; he has been slacking at work.  Ever since Kem and Alexander left a few weeks ago, he has had trouble focusing on anything.  Everyone at the hospital has been giving him some space, but he is guessing that his inability to concentrate is beginning to cause frustration among his co-workers.  He isn't sure how much they know.  Susan was the only one he told, but he's guessing that even if they don't know the entire story, Susan at least told them to back off for a while.  He knows he needs to snap out of it; he's just not sure how.

~

After few hours later Carter has finally reached the end of his shift.  He opens his locker and replaces his lab coat for his jacket when Susan walks in.

"You off?"

Susan rolls her eyes.  "I wish.  I've got four more hours in this hellhole.  Is it just me, or are the patients getting dumber?"

"I haven't noticed," Carter laughs, "Why?"

"I have a sixteen year old boy with whiplash who crashed his mother's car into the garage door because he forgot to open it when he was backing out, a man who decided to climb a tree after drinking a 12-pack and broke his leg, and a girl who burned her face when she tried to straighten her hair with an iron."

"Well I think you have your answer right there.  At least you're halfway done with your shift."

Susan plops down on the couch, exhausted.  "I should be done now.  Kerri asked me to cover the next four hours."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, and I feel bad 'cause I was going to go over to Abby's.  She's got the flu and I told her I'd bring her some Tylenol to help bring her fever down."

Carter perks up at the sound of Abby's name.  "Is she okay?"

"No Carter, she has the flu.  Have you ever had the flu?  It sucks."

"I could go for you."

"Um, I don't think that would be such a good idea."

"Why not?"

Susan gives Carter a look that says he knows exactly why that would not be a good idea.

"Oh come on.  We broke up a year ago.  We're still friends."

Susan looks very skeptical but says, "Fine."  She gets up and retrieves the medicine from her locker.  "Let me give you her key too." Susan chuckles as she removes it from her key chain.  "She locked herself out of her apartment last month and spent three hours trying to track down her landlord.  I've never seen her so pissed.  She gave me this in case it happened again, so don't lose it!"  Carter uncomfortably accepts the key that at one time was a permanent fixture on his key chain.  "Call me and let me know how she's feeling."

Carter nods in reply.  He says goodbye to Susan and takes the familiar route to Abby's apartment.

~

Carter walks up the front steps of Abby's building and approaches the front door.  It has been a year since he has been here. He inserts the key in the lock and is instantly brought back to a time when he performed this action daily.  He and Abby had never officially moved in together, but around the second month of their relationship she had casually given him the key to her apartment and Carter had casually begun to bring his things over.  It started out with basic toiletries: a razor, his cologne and some shampoo.  Eventually he moved onto the entire contents of his closet.  Abby cleared out some drawers and closet space, never drawing attention to the fact that his possessions were becoming intertwined with her own.  One day he called her from the hospital, and when she didn't answer he realized that she had added his name to the answering machine.  Soon after that he had his mail forwarded to her address.  All of this had happened with neither of them mentioning the significance of it all.  He knew they were both too scared to make any sort of formal commitment. He now wishes that they would have talked about it; perhaps if they had been more open they wouldn't have fallen apart so quickly.

He reaches the door to her apartment and hesitates.  He doesn't want to wake her if she is sleeping, but he does not feel comfortable walking into her home unannounced.  He stands for a moment, weighing his options, when he hears a violent cough coming from the other side of the door.  He realizes she must be awake so he knocks.  The cough becomes louder as Abby approaches the door, and Carter finds his nerves rapidly building.  He hears the rattle of the chain and the click of the lock being released.  The door opens and he takes in the sight of a very surprised looking Abby.

"Carter.  What are you doing… How did you get in?"  The look on her face quickly changes from surprise to embarrassment as she tries in vain to smooth down her disheveled hair and tightens the flannel bathrobe that is wrapped around her.

"Susan had to work, so I offered to come bring you some Tylenol.  Oh, and I brought you some chicken noodle soup too."

Abby steps aside and motions for him to come in.  Carter looks around and realizes how much he missed this place.  It is a small apartment, but it was the perfect size for the two of them.  Abby walks over to the sofa and sits down, covering herself with a worn afghan.  She picks up a mug and takes a small sip of tea.  This elicits another coughing attack and Carter quickly walks over to where she is sitting.  As he sits down next to her, his body immediately recognizes the familiarity of the sofa, and his mind is flooded with memories of the times they spent on this sofa eating take-out, watching movies, falling asleep or simply hanging out, enjoying each other's company.

Abby gives one last cough and then collapses into the cushions.  "I feel like shit."

He looks at her and does not doubt her for a second.  Her hair is wild and her skin is pale.  The underside of her nose is red from the constant wiping of tissues.  Dark circle outline her eyes.   She looks exhausted.

"Here, take two of these.  Do you still have a fever?"

Abby nods her head as she swallows the pills, washing them down with her tea.  Without thinking, Carter reaches over and places the palm of his hand on her forehead.  She is burning up.  He leaves his hand there a moment longer than he needs to, and he knows that she truly must not be feeling well because she does not object.  Instead, she simply looks at him, and he can tell that she is thankful he is here.

"Are you hungry?  I could heat up the soup for you," Carter offers as he reluctantly removes his hand.

She surprises him when she reaches for his hand.  Her tired eyes look into his own.  Her voice is raspy when she speaks.  "Will you stay for awhile?  I feel like a big baby, but…"

"I'll stay."  Carter says immediately, cutting her off.  She gives him a weak smile before another coughing fit erupts from her body.  Carter rubs her back gently until her coughs subside.  "Why don't I heat up that soup."

"Okay, I'm gonna go freshen up."  She shakily stands up and supports herself for a moment on the back of the couch.  The fever is making her dizzy, and he begins to worry.

"If your fever doesn't go down in a few hours I'm taking you to County."

She half-heartedly rolls her eyes in response and slowly walks towards the bedroom with the afghan still wrapped around her tiny frame.  When he hears the door shut he goes to the kitchen to prepare the soup.  He has no trouble finding a pot, everything is just as it was when he lived here.  He sits down at the table and waits for Abby to come back.

  **************************

As soon as the bedroom door shuts, Abby collapses on the bed.  She begins to plot ways to get back at Susan for sending Carter here.  Maybe she'll let it slip to Weaver that last week when Susan called in sick Chuck just happened to have the day off as well.  Frank owed her, maybe she could have him steer some impacted bowels Susan's ways.  But truthfully, she is thankful that Carter is here.  She feels awful, and as soon as she opened the door and saw him standing there she wanted to curl up against his chest and feel his arms wrap around her body.  She is too tired to put up her defenses, and all she wants right now is for someone to take care of her.  She lays her head down on the pillow for a moment and realizes that is not entirely true.  She does want someone to take care of her, but she wants that someone to be Carter.

~

Abby opens her eyes and realizes that she must have fallen asleep.  As she slowly sits up she notices that her fever must have broke because she feels a hundred times better.  She opens the bedroom door and walks out to the kitchen to see if Carter is still there.  He is not, and she turns around, disappointed.  She walks towards the bedroom when the sound of a small snore comes from the living room.  She sees two feet hanging off the end of the sofa.  She walks towards them and can't help but smile when she sees Carter, lying on his back, sleeping soundly.  One hand is resting on his stomach and the other is stretched out over his head.  She reflects on all the times she came home from work to find him in that position, and a wave of loneliness washes over her heart.  His face looks incredibly peaceful and she thinks to herself that she has not seen him look that way in quite a long time.  She has become very worried about him in the last few months.  When he returned from Africa with Kem he had not seemed himself.  She had wanted to be there for him as a friend, but when he kissed her at Susan's house she knew that friendship would not be possible for a while.  When Susan told her that Alexander was not really Carter's baby and Kem went back to Africa, she had so desperately wanted to talk to him about it; she knew he was hurtling badly.  But instead she continued her original plan of avoidance because she knew she needed to maintain her commitment to the acceptance that their relationship was truly over.  But now, here he is, sleeping on her sofa, and  all of the promises she made to herself are becoming more and more difficult to keep.  She decides to allow him to sleep a little bit longer and goes to the bathroom to take a shower.

~

When she emerges from the bathroom she sees that Carter is awake and is heating up the soup for the second time that day. "Hey, you're up.  How are you feeling?"

Abby smiles as she sits down at the kitchen table.  "A lot better.  I think my fever's gone."

Carter brings two bowls of soup to the table and sits down.  Abby notices that he does not feel her forehead this time.  She silently scolds herself for feeling disappointed.

"Thanks for staying.  How long was I asleep?"

"A couple hours.  How's the soup?"

"Perfect."

They sit in silence for a moment, quietly sipping their soup.  Abby's mind begins to wander and she wonders why chicken noodle soup is the preferred soup when you are sick.  Why not vegetable soup or tomato soup?  What about cream of mushroom and beef stew?  Split pea and barley?  She tries to think of other soups, picturing them neatly lined up on the shelf at the grocery store when she notices Carter staring at her.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Soup."

"Soup?"

"Yeah, why is chicken noodle soup the only soup you have when you're sick?  There's lots of good soups out there; I think they're getting the shaft."

"You don't like chicken noodle soup?"  Carter looks down at his spoon, disappointed.

"No, its just fine.  You just asked me what I was thinking about and I was thinking about soup."

Carter gives her a questioning look, but doesn't pursue the conversation further.  The eat in silence a bit longer until Carter suddenly blurts out, "I was thinking about Alexander."

Abby's head jerks up.  She is not sure how to respond.

"He's not mine you know."

Abby nods her head.  "Susan told me."

Carter rubs the back of his neck and looks up at the ceiling.  "I thought he was the answer to everything.  I thought…well…I thought as long as I had him I'd never be alone in this world again."

"That's putting a lot of pressure on a little baby."

"What do you mean?"

Abby puts her spoon down and rests against the back of the chair.  "You're asking one person, a child no less, to be responsible for your happiness.  That's a lot to ask."

"What, I shouldn't have been happy to have a son?"  Carter gets up from the table and carries his bowl to the sink.  Abby can see his body tense up, but she decides to continue anyways.

"No, I just think you shouldn't depend on one thing to make you happy.  Something like a child should only add to the happiness you already feel."

Carter scoffs at her response.  "You're lecturing me on finding the happiness within your self?"

Abby stands and joins him at the sink.  "I was unhappy for a long time.  I let my unhappiness swallow me up and dominate every aspect of my life."  She pauses, looking him in the eye.  "You know that better than anyone.  I just don't want the same thing to happen to you."

Tears fill his eyes as he takes a step closer to her.  He can smell the scent of her shampoo from her freshly washed hair.  He finds it comforting.  His voice comes out as a whisper.  "You don't seem unhappy anymore."

She takes his hand in her own and gives it a gentle squeeze.  "It took losing the best thing in my life to make me realize I needed to make some changes."  She takes a hold of his other hand and turns his body so that is facing hers.  "It will get better.  I promise."

He nods his head, and by the look on his face she can tell that he believes her.  Then the look changes and she suddenly becomes aware of how close they are.  The spontaneous act of holding his hands causes her stomach to fill with butterflies as she concentrates on the feel of his skin touching her own.  The room is beginning to spin, but this time it is not because of her fever.  She sees Carter's head slowly leaning down towards hers and she knows what is about to happen.  She wants to kiss him so badly.  His hand slowly moves to her back and he pulls her even closer.  She is about to let the last of her defenses down when she looks into his eyes.  What she sees makes her stop.

What she sees is sadness.

And she knows that kissing him will not make either of their problems better, but will in fact make everything much worse.  She is in the middle of her journey of self-healing, while Carter has not yet even begun.  As much as it pains her, she knows that this is a journey they both must make separately, even if it means they will never be together again.  So instead of tilting her head upwards to meet his descending lips, she pulls away and walks to the other side of the kitchen, knowing she needs to create as much physical distance between the two of them as possible in order to maintain her willpower.

"We can't do this John.  Please."

He nods his head, a mixture of disappointment and embarrassment on his face.  He picks up his coat and walks towards the door.  "Thanks for listening," he says seriously.

She dismisses his gratitude with a slight wave of her hand and says, "That's what friends are for."

He solemnly shakes his head in reply.  "No, I mean it."

She stands there, silently remembering another time when similar words were spoken only with the roles reversed.  He walks out the door, carefully closing it behind him.  She sits down on the sofa, once again exhausted.  She looks around, pondering what had just transpired when she comes to a realization that causes a tear to enter her eye.

The apartment suddenly feels incredibly empty.

 *****************************************************************************

Author's Note:  Whew!  I think that was my longest chapter ever!

Thanks for all the reviews!  I wasn't feeling too confident, so I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter.  And thanks for the medical info; genetics are interesting but definitely complicated!

Please review!           


	5. Chapter Five

DISCLAIMER**:**  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG-13__

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY: Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship

Chapter Five

Carter dejectedly walks through his front door after leaving Abby's apartment.  Abby was right, he shouldn't have tried to kiss her.  Either time.  He knows that.  She knows that.  So what on earth possessed him to do so?

He takes off his shoes and kicks them in the vicinity of the mat next to the door, the sound of them hitting the floor echoing through the empty room.  He winces as the cold from the marble floor seeps through his socks and chills his feet.  Cold radiates from the walls as well, and he longs for the warmth he felt just an hour earlier.  He looks around and lets out a deep, frustrated breath.  Abby's apartment felt like home. The mansion does not, despite the fact that this is where he grew up.   Here, the pillows on the sofa are always properly placed.  At Abby's, they are tossed about half-hazardly, mixed in with her worn afghan that smells like her soap.  Abby's apartment had smelled like chicken noodle soup and tea; here, the kitchen was so secluded from the other areas of the house that none of the comforting smells of cooking were ever present.  With Gamma gone, there was no one Carter looked forward to seeing when he walked through the door, while at Abby's, well, he wasn't going to let his mind go there.  He knows he needs to let Abby go.  He doesn't want to, but he understands he has hurt her too much to expect her to come back to him.  Losing Kem and Alexander sent him into a spiral of despair, but the recent realization of what he threw away with Abby has made him aware that he needs to make some major changes within himself.  

As he trudges up the stairs towards his bedroom, he realizes that the mansion represents so much that is wrong with his life, and those are the exact changes he needs to make.  The mansion is seemingly perfect on the outside.  Stately grounds, impeccably decorated and a presence of elegance are all terms the local socialite magazines have used to describe it.  However, as only he knew, once you step inside the Carter family mansion, you enter a home devoid of the normal gaiety and love felt in most homes.  It is a home filled with the memories of his dead brother, the subsequent emotional loss of his mother, and now the loss of his grandmother, the most maternal figure he ever knew.  And, as he trudges up the mahogany stairs, he decides that this is not the life he wants.  And he makes a decision.

When he reaches his room, he picks up the phone and dials a familiar, yet seldom used number.

"Hello?"

"Hi Mom."

"John, is everything alright?"

"Yeah mom, everything's fine.  I was just calling cause I needed a favor."

Carter has always been amazed at his mother's ability to keep her emotions a mystery.  If his impromptu call was causing her to worry, he could never tell from her cool and even voice as she asks, "What sort of favor?"

"Well, I'm thinking of buying a house, and I was hoping you could give me the name of your realtor."

"Of course.  Are you looking for something in the states or in Europe?"

"Actually here, in Chicago.  Hopefully close to the hospital."

"Chicago?  What about Millicent's house?"

"I don't know.  It's just so big and it's only me, and, well, since Gamma's been gone it feels kind of weird to be here."  Carter pauses and his voice cracks ever so slightly as he continues.  "It's kind of lonely here.  I keep thinking about Gamma and…"

"John?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you like me to, um…" Eleanor clears her throat before continuing.  "I'm going to fly out tomorrow and we'll find something for you together.  With your schedule you won't ever have time to find a new house and properly settle in."

Carter is not quite sure how to respond.  His mother has not put herself in a position to worry about him in many years.  Honestly, not since his brother died.  A few years back he had finally confronted her about this, and although they shared a brief moment of tenderness, they soon after resumed their relationship of obligatory phone calls on birthdays and holidays.  A few weeks ago Carter had swallowed his pride and told her about Kem and Alexander, and he had been surprised at how sympathetic and disappointed she had been.  "I'm truly sorry John," she had said.  "I know how hurt you must be."  And now he could swear that she is picking up on his current state of mind, and she actually sounds concerned.  So he is understandably confused as she willingly offers to come to Chicago to help him escape a lifestyle he knows she whole-heartedly endorses.  He is equally confused with his answer.

"That would be great Mom."

  **************************

"Son.  Of.  A.  Bitch!"

Abby violently tugs on the latch of her locker, and when the door does not budge, gives it a good, swift kick.

"Jesus Abby.  What did it ever do to you?"

"I'm not in the mood, Susan.  I've been on since yesterday morning and I just want to go home and go to sleep.  Problem is, my El token is in my purse, which is in my locker, which refuses to open!"  Abby enunciates her last point by giving the handle another hard tug.

Susan smiles sweetly.  "Maybe this is God's way of telling you that you should offer to cover for your dear friend Susan so she can leave an hour early to get ready for her date tonight." 

Abby answers with an eye roll.  "What about Chuck?"

"We decided to see other people.  Well, I decided to see other people."

A knowing smile crosses Abby's face and she opens her mouth to respond when Carter walks in.  He gives a small wave and opens his locker with ease.

"I hate you," Abby says as she flops down on the couch.

"What did I do?"  Carter asks, confused.

Susan gives him a look and asks Abby, "What's your combination?"

"34-8-42."

Susan slowly turns the dial on the locker and a few seconds later opens the door with ease.  "Ta-da!  Now you definitely owe me a favor."

"I hate you too.  And we'll call it even since I covered for you this morning when you were late."

Abby stands up, grabs her jacket and purse and looks at Carter, who is putting on his lab coat.  "You been working nights?  I haven't seen you in a few weeks."

"I've been working half-shifts."

"Now I hate you," Susan chimes in as she pours some coffee.

"How'd you manage that one?"

"Weaver let me.  My mom's been in town."

Abby looks intrigued, she knows that under normal circumstances, Carter would want to work doubles when his mother was in town.  "Just visiting?" 

"No, actually, she's been helping me move."

Susan sits down at the table.  "You're moving out of the mansion?"

"Yeah, it's kinda big for just me…"

Abby suddenly wishes Susan would leave the room.  She knows there is something Carter is not saying, but she doesn't want to question him in front of Susan.  Susan notices Abby looking at her and quickly stands up.  "Shoot, I just remembered I need to check on a patient, I'll catch you guys later."

Abby rolls her eyes at Susan's failed attempt at subtlety.  She stands up and walks over to Carter.  "Is everything okay?"

He nods his head and smiles a genuine smile.  "Yeah, everything is going well."

She gives him a quick nod with her head, not totally convinced.  "How are things with your mom?"

"Surprisingly good.  I think she is feeling kind of sorry for me right now," he replies as he reaches into his locker for his stethoscope.  Abby uses this opportunity to examine his profile a bit closer.  He looks better than she has seen him in a long time.  The bags under his eyes have diminished and the creases in his forehead are not quite as deep.  He still does not look like the John Carter she became such good friends with four years ago, but he also does not look like the John Carter that visited her in her apartment a few weeks earlier.  She wonders if this change is the result of his move or the presence of his mother.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow," Abby says as she slips on her coat.

"Uh-huh.  Unless you want to come over for dinner tonight.  My mom is meeting some old friends, and I'd love for you to see my house…"

"I don't know Carter.  That might not be the best idea."

"Just dinner.  And I promise I'll keep a respectable distance at all times."  

Abby begins to say no, but as she makes eye contact with Carter, she ignores her better judgment, and she finds herself accepting his invitation.

~

Abby walks down the street of well-kept row houses looking for number 3005.  The nerves in her stomach are making her wish that she had rejected Carter's offer, but there is also a part of her that is looking forward to spending an evening with her friend.  At least she hopes she can call Carter her friend.  They had kept a safe distance from one another since the incident in her apartment, but now that the awkwardness seems to have dissipated she misses his company.  After all, he has been a major figure in her life for the past four years, and she knows that she doesn't want to give that up completely.  When she reaches his house, she takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders, and rings the bell.  Carter quickly answers.

"Hi, come on in."

Abby walks inside and looks around.  It is a lovely home, and it feels more like Carter than the mansion ever did.  He leads her into the living room where she sits down.

"So I've got to ask, what really prompted this move?"

Carter sighs as he sits down.  "Pretty much what I said before.  The mansion was Gamma's house.  Always was, even when I lived there growing up.  I don't know.  There are just so many memories there, I felt like I was living in a time warp.  And then the foundation kept calling me and, between that and being reminded of Gamma every second I was home, I was going nuts.  I just thought if I found a place of my own it would make dealing with all this family stuff a little easier."

"Is it working?"

"Kind of.  I guess I'm starting to realize that I need to find a way to make everything being a Carter means a healthy part of my life."

"That sounds like something a very well adjusted person would say," Abby replies, smiling.

"Well, it's much easier to say it than to live it."

"How's your mom?"

"She's good.  I think me going to Africa for six months and then everything that happened with Kem kind of freaked her out a bit, so she's been going out of her way to be nice to me."

"Really?"

"Really.  Actually, now I'm the one who's freaked out."

Abby laughs out loud.  "Yeah, it's strange when your family suddenly loses its dysfunction."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far."  A beeping noise interrupts Carter.  "Dinner's ready, you hungry?"

Abby nods her head and joins him in the kitchen.

  *****************************************************************

Dinner is filled with casual conversation mostly focused around work, and is peppered with periods of comfortable silences. After dessert, Carter offers Abby some coffee, but she instead decides to leave.  "I have to work in the morning," she explains.

Carter gets her coat and helps her put it on.  "I'm glad you came over.  I've missed hanging out."

He watches as she shifts uncomfortably, staring at the floor.  "Me too."

"Well then we'll have to do it again soon."

Abby nods, and Carter can tell she wants to say something else.  He has a feeling he doesn't want to hear what she has to say, so he quickly adds, "Maybe next time Susan can come too."

This seems to relax her a bit, and she looks up and smiles.

"Yeah, that would be fun."

He opens the door for her, and she pauses before stepping out.  "Things are getting better for you, right?"  She phrases it as a question, but he realizes she knows it to be a fact.

"Yeah, things are getting better."

She smiles again, and makes her exit.

He closes the door, resting against it, and lets out a satisfied sigh.

Things are getting better.

  *****************************************************************************

Mucho thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!

Wrote this one on cold medicine…. Hope it makes sense!

Please review!


	6. Chapter Six

DISCLAIMER**:**  None of the characters belong to me.  If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.

CATEGORY:  Carby Angst RATING:  PG-13 

SPOILERS:  None if you've seen all of Season 10 so far.

SUMMARY: Carter, Abby and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship

Chapter Six

 "How was your date?"

Abby quickly looks up from the chart she is reviewing behind the admit desk to see Sam smirking at her.

"How did you know I had a date?"

"Through the grapevine..."

"And by the grapevine she means me," Susan finishes for her.

"Thanks Susan."  Abby rolls her eyes, but then realizes that both women are still waiting for a response to Sam's question.  "Not that it's anyone's business, but it was fine."

"Fine?"

Abby sighs, knowing she is not going to get off that easy.  "We went out to dinner, saw a movie, and then got coffee and talked for awhile.  We're going out again on Friday."

"What's his name?" Sam asks.

"Ben," Susan replies.

"Oh wait, is this the doctor from psych you were telling me about?"

Susan nods her head.

"He's cute.  I know a couple of nurses who asked him out but he turned them down.  They're going to be so jealous.  You're lucky Abby."

Abby opens her mouth, ready to explain that her personal life is not in any way appropriate for the hospital rumor mill, when Carter walks over and asks, "Somebody got lucky?"

Abby's face turns bright red, and she sees Susan cringe as Sam says, "I don't know, did you get lucky Abby?"

Carter looks back and forth between the three women, not sure what is going on.  Susan clears her throat and says, "We were just discussing Abby's, um, date."

Abby shoots her a look.

"Really.  Anybody I know?"

Abby tries to erase the death look she is giving Susan from her face as she answers Carter.  "Ben James, from psych."

Carter nods his head, obviously uncomfortable and not sure how to respond to the situation.  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out three envelopes and passes them out.  "Well hopefully, he'll be able to come too."

"What's this?" Abby asks.

Susan opens her envelope and reads,  "You are cordially invited to a dinner in celebration of the opening of the Bobby Carter Free Clinic."

Abby watches Carter carefully as Susan reads the words "Bobby Carter."

"It's my first act as president of the Foundation."

Susan smiles warmly.  "Good for you!"

Carter looks away, slightly embarrassed.  "Well, I better get back to work."

After he has left, Sam turns towards Abby.  "You gotta let me in on your secret."

"What secret?"

"What you do to get two doctors interested in you at once!"

 **********************************************************************

"Is my tie straight?"

Eleanor Carter examines her son, adjusting his tie just a little.  "It's perfect."

"I wish you didn't have to leave tomorrow."

"Me, too, but I'm glad I'll be here for the dinner tonight.  You know how proud of you I am, right?"

"Thanks mom."

The truth is, Carter is proud of himself as well.  His mother had talked him into going to a few board meetings, and Carter quickly realized that he had the ability to really make a difference.  His first project was to open a free clinic in one of the poorer neighborhoods in Chicago.  His mother had helped him with the entire project, which they had been working on now for several months.  During this time they had grown quite close and developed a bond they had never shared before.  When it came time to name the clinic, Carter had suggested naming it after his brother.  He felt it not only would be a tribute to Bobby's memory, but also a symbolic gesture towards his mother.  Now the name Bobby Carter represented the accomplishment he and his mother made working together rather than the tragedy that tore them apart.  Tonight would be a celebration of that accomplishment.

  ***************************************************

"Your tie is crooked."

Abby walks over to Ben and straightens his tie.  He leans down and gives her a quick kiss on the lips.  "Thanks.  Have you heard back from your mother?"

Abby shakes her head and walks away to get her purse.  Yesterday Maggie had called to tell her that Eric was three days late getting back from a vacation.  She was panicked, and wondered if Abby had heard from him.  She hadn't, and of course Ben happened to be over when her mother called so she had to explain the whole situation.  Well, not the entire situation.  She told him that they couldn't get in touch with Eric, but she had left out the part about him being bi-polar.  She wasn't sure why she was so hesitant to tell him, he was a psychiatrist after all.  She just had a feeling that he would want to help, and at this point she just wanted someone to listen. She now wishes she hadn't told him anything at all because he keeps asking her about it.

"What's this dinner for again?" Ben asks as he helps Abby with her coat.

"My friend is opening a free clinic.  I think he is trying to recruit some volunteers."

"John Carter, right?  Of the Carter Foundation?"

Abby nods in response.  Ben doesn't know he is also John Carter, formerly of John and Abby.

"Must be nice to have all that money.  At least he's doing something good with it."

"Let's go," Abby says, walking out the door.  She is finding herself resentful of the fact that Ben is talking about Carter as if he was just any other doctor in the ER and not one of her closest friends.  She knows that this is not his fault; it is one of the many things she has not shared with him.  They have been dating for about a month now, and she is realizing that they are reaching a point where she either needs to open up to him or end the relationship.  He is a great guy, but she is leaning towards ending things.  There are just so many things that he doesn't know about her, and so many things she doesn't feel like explaining.  She often finds herself comparing him to Carter, despite her best efforts not to.  Carter was able to read her every mood and action and always had the perfect response.  Ben is very sweet and always tries, but he just doesn't seem to understand her in the way she needs to be understood.

  ************************************************

Carter greets the guests as they enter the banquet hall.  He is pleased with how many people from the hospital have come.  He is about to leave his post when he looks towards the door and sees Abby walking in.

She looks absolutely stunning.  Her wavy hair is loose and rests just below her shoulders.  She smiles when she sees him and it lights up her entire face, and he swears, the entire room.  She is wearing a long, straight white skirt and a silk black top with a subtle pink print.  The neckline is cut in a low v, and he blushes as he realizes where his eyes are focused as she approaches.

"Hey John."

"Wow.  You look amazing…" He stops himself when Ben approaches and he realizes that Abby is not alone.  He swallows and holds out his hand.  "Hi Dr. James.  I'm so glad you could make it."

"Please, call me Ben," he says as he accepts Carter's hand.  Ben's eyes travel to Abby and he senses some tension between her and Carter.  "Why don't I get us something to drink?  Do you want some champagne?"

"No, club soda is fine with me."

They both watch Ben walk away.  "I really am glad you came."

Abby smiles.  "I'm proud of you Carter.  You're really going to make a difference in a lot of people's lives."  Her smile suddenly fades.  "You're not leaving County are you?"

"No, no.  I hired another doctor to run the clinic.  Emergency medicine is what I know and what I like doing best."  He pauses and looks at her pointedly.  "I don't think I could ever leave County, there are too many things about it I love."

He suppresses his strong desire to step closer to her so that he can better smell her perfume, and instead says, "We are looking for volunteers though.  I don't know if you'd be interested…"

"I'll do it," Abby responds immediately.

"Great.  I think Dr. Bass went out on the patio.  She's in charge of the coordinating the volunteers."

He places her hand on the small of her back and leads her outside.  The material of her shirt is thin, and he can feel the heat from her skin on his hand.  He notices that she does not protest to this physical contact despite the fact that her boyfriend is nearby.  They walk onto the patio and see that there is no one outside.

"Well, maybe she's not out here.  Should we go back in?"  Carter begins to walk to the door.

"No, its nice out here."

Carter nods and they walk over to the ledge of the balcony.  Carter tries his best not to stare, but the moonlight causes Abby's face to glow in the most beautiful way, and it is difficult to look away.  There stand there for a while in a comfortable silence.  It is Abby who breaks it.

"I'm not sure where Eric is."

Carter remains silent, knowing that she will continue when she is ready.

"He was supposed to come back from vacation three days ago.  He probably just decided to take a couple more days off, but I can't help but think…"

Carter returns his hand to the small of her back.  He rubs his hand in a gentle circular motion. "I'm sorry."

Abby nods, looking out over the skyline.  "I haven't told Ben yet.  About my family.  It's not because I'm ashamed, it's just…"

"Just what?"

Abby shakes her head slowly, and then turns so that she is facing Carter.  He is not certain, but he thinks that he sees tears in her eyes.  "I miss being with someone who you don't have to explain everything to."

Their eyes lock and Carter reaches for her hand.  However, they quickly jump apart as they hear the door to the patio open and see Ben approaching.  "I was wondering where you disappeared to!"

Carter is thankful for the dim lighting, for he is sure that his face is a deep shade of crimson.  Abby however, is calm as can be and walks over to Ben as if nothing happened.  She is so calm in fact, that Carter wonders if perhaps he imagined the moment all together. 

Abby reaches for her club soda and takes a sip.  "Well, we'll let you get back to your guests.  I'll make sure I find Dr. Bass before I leave."

Carter nods and walks towards the door.  He takes one look back at Abby.  What he sees lets him know he is not going crazy.  What he sees mirrors the look on his face.

What he sees is a mix of longing and regret.     

  ***************************************************

The front door of the Bobby Carter Free Clinic flies open and Abby briskly walks inside, trying to escape the torrential downpour that has left her soaked to the bone.  She is meeting with Dr. Bass for a brief orientation before she begins volunteering the following week.  

She broke up with Ben a couple days ago.  It was very amicable; they both admitted that they lacked a certain connection.  However, their break-up left her with an open social calendar, and that, coupled with the fact that she still hadn't heard from Eric, left her with a strong desire to keep busy.  This is why she signed up to volunteer several nights a week.

She removes her coat and closes her umbrella, which was unsuccessful in shielding her from the rain.  The only sound she hears is the rhythmic beating of the rain against the roof, and she begins to wonder if there is anyone there.

"Hello?"

She hears footsteps approach, and is surprised by the person who greets her.

"Hey Carter."

"Hi.  What are you doing here?"

"I was supposed to meet Dr. Bass.  She was going to give me a layout of the land before I start next week."

Carter smiles in appreciation.  "Thanks again for volunteering, we can use all the help we can get.  Unfortunately, Dr. Bass went home sick an hour ago.  I was just about to lock up.  But I can show you around."  He locks the door, notices the rain, and then looks at the state of Abby's clothes.  "We have some extra scrubs if you want to change."

Abby looks down at herself and suddenly becomes self-conscious about how she must look.  Her pants are completely soaked and are clinging to her legs. Thank god her coat protected her white shirt from the same fate.  "Yeah, maybe some pants.  It's horrible out there."

"I can't believe you braved this weather just to come out here," Carter says as he tosses her some scrub pants.  "The bathroom is down the hall, first door on your right."

Abby nods and walks to the bathroom.  She quickly changes her pants and pulls her wet hair into a loose ponytail at the base of her neck.  She sighs as she looks in the mirror at her appearance, and then begins to wonder why she cares so much.  This is Carter; he doesn't care what she looks like.  But for some reason, familiar butterflies entered her stomach the instant she saw him and she realizes that she is in trouble.

~

"Do you want some coffee?  It's still pretty nasty out there."

"Sure," Abby replies, looking out the window.  Carter has just finished explaining the procedures of the clinic.  She sits down on the newly purchased couch in the waiting area.  "I don't think I've ever seen it rain this hard."

Carter sits down next to her, handing her a steaming coffee.  Abby wraps her hands around the mug, her hands still desperate for warmth after being exposed to the cold rain.  She involuntarily shudders, and Cater reaches over and rubs her back.

"Cold?"

"I'm okay," she replies, wishing that he was not sitting so close.  Carter realizes the reason for her unease and removes his hand from her back.  As if attempting to prove he knows his boundaries he asks,

"How's Ben?"

Abby grows even more uncomfortable.  "He's good, I guess."  She sighs.  "We broke up."

Abby looks at Carter.  She sees a look cross his face that she does not know how to read, but she does know that it makes the feeling in her stomach multiply in intensity by a hundred.  She no longer feels uncomfortable sitting so close to him, but instead feels an intense desire to remain in this very spot.

"What happened?"

"I don't know.  He's a wonderful person and we got along great, but…  It's like I was saying the other night…there's just so much about me that he doesn't know, that I don't want to explain."  She puts down her coffee and nervously plays with her hands.  "I want to be with some one who just gets it.  Who gets me."

She examines Carter's face.  She sees that he does understand; he does get it.  And she realizes how much she misses that.  She picks up his hand, and the warmth emitted from his fingers instantly runs throughout her body and she feels her heart beat rapidly increase.  Without realizing what she is doing, her free hand reaches up to his face and rests on his cheek.  Carter mimics her position; gently caressing her cheek with his thumb.  They sit like this for a moment, neither one sure if they should proceed, both certain that they do not want the moment to end.  Abby can hear her heart beating and can feel Carter's pulsating in his neck.  She slowly pulls his head towards her own and their lips meet, creating a feeling that is both familiar and new.

They remain in this position for a while, eyes and lips closed, rediscovering the feel of each other.  Abby begins to panic and pull away, but Carter has wrapped his arms around her, and instead pulls her closer to him.  As their lips open and as the kiss intensifies, all rational thought is thrown out the window.  The only thing Abby can think is how incredible it is to feel his hair between her fingers, to feel his hands running up and down her back, and to feel his lips and tongue mesh with her own.

Abby's hands soon find their way from his hair to his chest, slipping his shirt off in the process.  This causes a small moan to escape from his lips that only fuels her desire even more.  She moves her lips to his neck, pausing only for a moment as he lifts her shirt over her head.  This time it is Abby who lets out a moan as Carter releases the clasp on her bra and moves his hands across her bare skin.  She feels his hands move down to the waistband of her scrub pants, and he pulls back with a questioning look.  She answers him by lifting herself up so that she can rid herself of her scrubs.  Carter's pants quickly follow.

Carter lies back on the couch with Abby straddling him.  He reaches up and cups her face between his hands, and the look on his face makes almost makes Abby burst into tears.  In that moment, she realizes how much she loves this man.  The moment of emotional intensity is quickly replaces by a much more physical one, and as they move together, their breath and moans echoing each other as they increase in pace, Abby cannot remember a time when she felt happier.

It is only after their breathing has slowed, and Abby is sure that Carter is asleep, that she allows the panic that has been threatening to come bubbling to the surface appear.

 *******************************************

Carter awakens to a sharp pain in his back.  He opens his eyes and blinks a few times, confused.  As he moves from a semi-conscious state to a fully conscious one, he realizes he is lying on the couch in the clinic.  Naked.  He sees the two mugs of coffee sitting on the table, long since grown cold, and the events that took place a few hours earlier come back to him.

"Abby?"

He stands up, putting on his pants in the process, and walks towards the bathroom. 

"Abby?"

There is no reply, and he walks back to the waiting area to find his shirt.  It is then that he sees a piece of paper with her handwriting on it, sitting next to the cold cup of coffee.

_John,_

_I had to go, I have a nightshift._

Abby 

He plops down on the couch and lets out a frustrated sigh.  While he does not doubt her note to be true, he can tell from the brevity of her words that she is already beginning to regret their actions.  He partially agrees with her; they probably shouldn't have acted so rash, without thinking of the emotional consequences.  But then he remembers the feel of her skin against his, the expression on her face just as they were about to join themselves together, and the feeling of complete peace he felt while they laid together afterwards.  

And he wishes that, just for once, things could be easy for them, and that they could stop being careful and afraid, and simply be with one another.

 *****************************************************************************

Please, please, please review!


	7. Chapter Seven

DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me. If they did, Eric would not have gotten sick, Carter would not have gone to Africa, and there would be Carby babies all over the ER by now.  
  
CATEGORY: Carby Angst  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
SPOILERS: None if you've seen all of Season 10.  
  
SUMMARY: Carter, Abby, and the roller coaster of angst, drama and romance that is their relationship.  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
It has been over a week since Carter has seen Abby. True to her word, she did have a night shift the evening after their encounter at the clinic. In fact, she had been on night shift for eight days now. And of course, because they were known for their impeccable timing, Carter had been on days. This made the avoidance process much easier, and while Carter was grateful for that at first, he is now incredibly frustrated because he wants to know exactly where things stand between them.  
  
And he misses her.  
  
He is trying hard not to, but he can't get the image and feel of her out of his mind. He finds himself zoning out when patients are speaking to him, and he's gotten more than a few evil glances from his co-workers as he stares blankly from behind the admit desk while they work diligently around him. He considers waiting around after his shift; it really wouldn't be that difficult to run into Abby and take a few minutes to talk. But the pessimistic side of him would rather live in a limbo where he still has a chance at happiness with Abby than force a conversation where she tells him it was all a mistake. This is why he leaves as soon as his shift is over, and why he is now sitting in his kitchen, alone, waiting for the beep of the microwave to tell him his dinner is ready.  
  
Instead, it is the ring of the doorbell he hears.  
  
Carter walks to the door and is beyond shock when he sees Abby, dressed in jeans and a black long-sleeved t-shirt, her hair dancing circles around her face as the wind blows.  
  
"Hi," she says to her feet.  
  
"Hi," Carter replies to his own.  
  
Abby looks up, and begins to fidget with her hands. "I'm sorry to just drop by like this, I should have called first..."  
  
"Come in, I was just waiting for my dinner to cook."  
  
Abby relaxes a bit and gives him a small smile. "TV dinner?"  
  
"You know me too well" Carter moves aside so that Abby can enter his house. They walk into the living room where Carter sits in the armchair. Abby is perched on the edge of the sofa and looks as if she's preparing for a quick getaway if necessary.  
  
"Do you have to work tonight?" Carter inquires.  
  
Abby shakes her head. "No, first night off in eight days. I'm back on days tomorrow."  
  
Carter nods in response. They sit quietly for a few minutes when the beep from the microwave breaks the silence and they both jump, startled.  
  
"Your dinner's ready."  
  
Carter looks at Abby. "I'm not so hungry anymore."  
  
Abby sighs and looks down at her hands. "Look, about the other week... I'm... I just..."  
  
"You're just what Abby?"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
Abby looks up from her hands and sees Carter looking directly at her. She opens her mouth to respond but he immediately cuts her off.  
  
"I know you're probably thinking it was all a mistake or that I'm sorry it happened, but the truth is," he stands and moves over so that he is sitting next to her on the sofa, "that was the happiest I've been in a long time."  
  
He looks at her profile and catches a faint glimpse of a tear in her eye. However, when she speaks, her voice is as strong and clear as ever.  
  
"I don't want to be your second choice."  
  
Carter takes her shaking hands and turns her body so she is facing him. "You could never be second choice."  
  
"I don't want to make the same mistakes again."  
  
"We won't."  
  
Abby removes her hands from his and stands up. He is afraid she is going to leave but she instead walks over to the window and looks out at the street.  
  
"I meant to come by the day after, but I didn't think I could deal with all of this until I found out if Eric was okay."  
  
Carter cringes as he realizes he never even asked about Eric.  
  
"But then one day turned into two, two to three, and now, eight days later, he still hasn't turned up, and we still haven't dealt with any of this."  
  
Carter silently continues to stare at her back as she looks out the window, not sure where this is headed. She raises a hand to her face, and when she turns around, Carter sees that is was to wipe away a stray tear that had forced its way out of her eye.  
  
"I don't want to put my life on hold anymore, but damn-it, sometimes its just too scary to hope too much."  
  
Her voice breaks on the last few words, and Carter uses every bit of willpower he can muster to stop himself from walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her.  
  
"What are you scared to hope for?"  
  
Abby looks up, then off to the side, seemingly anywhere but his face.  
  
"You. And me. Us."  
  
Carter takes a deep breath. He had been preparing himself for this conversation for the past eight days, but now that he is here in the moment, he has forgotten everything he was going to say. "I know things ended badly last time around, but I think we both learned from that. So much happened that year, your brother, my grandmother, and well, we just got so wrapped up in ourselves that a relationship was just too much for us to handle. But Abby, I never stopped loving you. Even when I was in Africa, when I was with Kem, I loved you. I could never have admitted it to myself, but the truth was I did. And I still do."  
  
"But is that enough?"  
  
"It's a start."  
  
The tears are now freely falling down Abby's face, and a few have entered Carter's eyes as well. "I don't want to hurt you again. And I don't want to get hurt."  
  
Carter finally gives into himself and walks over to Abby and pulls her close to him. He is surprised when she lets her body fall into his and when he feels her hands clinging to his shirt as if she is afraid of what may happen if she lets go.  
  
"Life is full of risks Abby. Sometimes you have to take one in order to be happy."  
  
Abby looks up at him with a strange look on her face. "You're not the first person to tell me that."

She pulls herself away from Carter and reclaims her seat on the sofa. When she came to Carter's, it was to tell him that it was all a mistake, and that they shouldn't get back together. She had thought about it for days, and it seemed like the rational thing to do. Last time had ended horribly with both of them being hurt so badly. But now, here she is at Carter's house, and she can't seem to find the strength within herself to tell him she didn't want this; that she didn't want him.  
  
She thinks about what Carter said about taking risks. Her mother had spoken similar words to her almost four years earlier. She hadn't taken her mother's advice, and she ended up being miserable. Until she entered a relationship with Carter. He was the only bright spot of her troubled life.  
  
And then she drove him away. Afterwards she did take a risk by going back to medical school. She opened up to her friends more. She didn't let obstacles get in her way or bring her down.  
  
But most importantly, she finally started to believe not only that she could be happy, but that she _deserved _to be happy.  
  
Once she was able to believe that, she found that true happiness was not the unobtainable goal she had once thought it was. And maybe that was the most critical variable that had changed since she broke up with Carter. She would not be entering this relationship as a defeated, struggling person, but as a strong, fulfilled person. This relationship would no longer be about needing Carter to survive. Instead, it would be about sharing her life with him.  
  
She reaches for Carter's hand and gently pulls him onto the sofa next to her. She gives it a gently squeeze as she softly says,  
  
"I never stopped either."  
  
"What?" Carter asks, puzzled.  
  
"I never stopped loving you either."  
  
Carter's mouth breaks into a grin.  
  
"And maybe... maybe we're both ready now."  
  
Carter cups her face in his hand, his thumbs gently caressing her cheeks. He looks at her for a moment and then leans in to kiss her. Just before his lips meet her own, he whispers,  
  
"I won't let go this time."  
  
"I won't push you away," she whispers back.  
  
She kisses him. She kisses with the passion of a person who knows what it means to lose someone. She kisses him with the passion of someone who knows how incredibly blessed she is to have a second chance.  
  
And as their kisses become more intense and they make their way towards the bedroom she realizes something.  
  
The only thing she feels is happiness.

Afterwards, they lay together on Carter's bed, the covers a tangled mess on the floor. Carter is laying on him back, gently stroking Abby's hair as she lies curled up next to him. He can't believe how incredibly good it feels to have her body pressed up against his own. He notices her breathing has slowed and he wonders if she has drifted off to sleep.  
  
"You awake?"  
  
"No," is her mumbled reply.  
  
"Are you hungry?"  
  
This seems to get her attention and she turns her head so she is facing him. "Not if you're offering me a TV dinner."  
  
He chuckles softly. "Actually, I thought maybe we could go out. You know burgers, fries, maybe some pie?"  
  
"Now that sounds good. I haven't had pie in forever. Not since Doc's burned down."  
  
Carter thinks for a moment. "You know, I don't think I've had any since then either. But there's a place around the corner that looks pretty good, we could try there."  
  
"Maybe we could get some coffee too?"  
  
Carter rolls onto his side so that he is facing Abby. He looks at her for a moment and fights back a few tears as he realizes how incredibly lucky he is to have her in his life again.

His confidant.  
  
His lover.  
  
And his best friend.

He gently kisses her lips as he pulls her close to him, silently promising again to never let go. 

"Coffee and pie sounds perfect."

Author's Note: I apologize for the massive delay in writing this. I had some computer problems and then real-life took over. Anyways, I 'm feeling a bit rusty so I hope the ending was worth the wait.  
  
Also, I lifted a few lines from various episodes, but I'm sure you already noticed that. Please let me know what you think, both about the chapter and the story. Thanks!


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